CAITLIN MORAN FOR GLAMOURMAGAZINE.CO.UK

"I so rarely leave the house now I forget what the outside world is like," says Caitlin Moran in between deep drags on a ecig. This is no exaggeration: since the huge success of her best selling 2011 memoirHow To Be A Woman her time has become increasingly focused on her home life in North London. The former GLAMOUR Woman Of The Year has turned down the chance to write sleeve notes for Paul McCartney, the sequel to Pride and Prejudice, an introduction to The Female Eunuch, a film deal, a sitcom and even have dinner with Naomi Campbell. "Part of me thinks it would be interesting to observe things like this. But is anything going to be better than sitting on the sofa with my kids eating baked potato while watching George Clarke's Amazing Spaces? No! So I'll just stay here."

In fact she's got to the stage where even her celebrity interviews are being conducted on her own turf. A week after GLAMOUR visits Jamie Oliver is set to come round. "I'm going to get him to cook me something obliviously and hopefully he'll use the pestle and mortar," says Caitlin with glee. "I'll wait till he's just finished using it where I can reveal to him that the last time we used the pestle and mortar was to kill a mouse. The cat brought it into the kitchen and it refused to die. Then it caused a massive row with my husband because after I killed the mouse, it seemed incredibly logical to me to put the mortar in the dishwasher to clean the mouse brains off it. Pete got really upset about that saying 'You've just put mouse brains on everything!' I refuse to believe that that was a bad thing."

Rodenticide notwithstanding, today she's been doing press since 8am talking about her brilliant new novel How To Build a Girl. Naturally it's intended as the first in a trilogy and she also plans to finish a sitcom that starting shooting in September and finish writing two (!) films before Christmas.  Thankfully she took time out of her insane schedule to answer GLAMOUR's simple query about festival fashion - her and her husband Pete Paphides have been going to Glastonbury for over a decade - before offering a call to arms regarding how to dress on the red carpet.

GLAMOUR: What's your key festival style tip?
CAITLIN: I just think everybody by default should just wear a Ghostbusters jumpsuit. It's just an amazing look - lots of pockets, it's practical. If you can bust ghosts in it, you can certainly eat some falafel while watching Arcade Fire. It would also be a test of whether you want to talk to that person or not: because if they haven't chosen the one that has "Venkman" written on it, don't talk to them as they clearly don't know which the best one is. I've done research. I have a Ghostbusters jumpsuit myself. The ones they used were ex-army issue - the exact one they used in the film has been decommissioned now and they don't make it anymore. Although you can pick one up second hand for about £1000. But there's one almost exactly like it that's also ex-military that I purchased. You can find out where to get the kneepads, armpads and I'm saving up for a proton pack.

G: Wow.
C: Because when I win a Bafta I think it's really important to not to go on the red carpet and try and look pretty like all the other pretty ladies: wearing the dress and the high heeled shoes, getting your hair done and getting the diamonds you have to borrow for that day. That's a competition I don't want to take part in because other prettier girls with better hair and better shoes will win that competition. I don't want to be in that competition. I want to walk very comfortably in a pair of boots and a Ghostbusters jumpsuit and be able to enjoy the afterparty: whenever you go to these afterparties you see these very beautiful women standing around holding their shoes in their hands, with a tension headache from their hairdo, scared that they've lost an earring that they've borrowed from Chopard, unable to breath or drink, scared of spillage and can't go outside to have a fag because they are too chilly. I like to dress for fun. And I like to dress to bust ghosts. And that's the only outfit that allows me to do both.

G: It would be even better on an Oscars' red carpet with Giuliana Rancic from E! Fashion Police…
C: It would blow her f***ing mind. I like the fact that its almost certainly there's a chance that you would be told that you weren't allowed to do that and you would be "f***ing it up". But why should you be f***ing it up to be comfortable? Why have I got to wear a bulls*** dress? That's just insane. That's the rule about being a woman in this industry: you have to wear something uncomfortable that means that everyone is assessing your legs. You've got to have your legs reviewed on the red carpet, you've got people looking at your arse, reviewing your hair so whether you're making a bad decision or not. No wonder women still don't do anything: they're going to be ripped apart! I'm spending more time worrying about what I'm going to wear at the Oscars that about writing the f***ing film that's going to win me the Oscar. This is the problem with being a woman in a nutshell: f*** that shit. It's a Ghostbusters jumpsuit. Now I'm going to start writing some scripts…

G: Sarah Millican's Radio Times piece on wanting to wear the same dress for the Baftas next year was terrific…
C: That was wonderful wasn't it? I hope she does wear that and what I would also hope - and I might have a word with her to say that she should do this - she should get all of the women that she knows to also wear that dress as well. They should all turn up in the same dress. It would stop that f***ing bitching. It is a small problem: as Duran Duran said "In the world of holy war and holy need / This is just a little sorrow" but it's a genuine sorrow nonetheless that women have to line up. Especially creative women and writers: we're not beautiful - we sit on our arses all day and suddenly we have to be beside some beautiful starlet from Hollyoaks who has a personal trainer and has her meals delivered by Pure Package every day. And then you have the bitchy comments in the Daily Mail that feel like you've failed in a competition that you never wanted to win in the first place. It boils my piss!

Originally published on Glamour UK in July 2014. Read the original here.